


Fix

by CMDAK



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), London Spy
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided James Bond/Q, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 05:21:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5696533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CMDAK/pseuds/CMDAK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What they were doing wasn't healthy and they both knew that. But they were willing to risk what was left of their sanity if, for a few moments and just in their heads, they were with the people who they truly loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fix

**Author's Note:**

> Alex, as a character, scares me when it comes to writing him because he is a 'mathematics God'. 
> 
> This idea just got stuck in my head and refused to let me focus on what I was doing until I finally wrote it down. 
> 
> Please forgive any and all mistakes

What they were doing was out of need for physical contact more than anything else, which is why there was no cuddling at the end, no soft kisses, no sweet nothings or promises of never ending love exchange when they were done. They simply rolled away from each other when they were spent, catching their breath for a few minutes and then the visitor pick up his clothes, took a quick shower and left.

 

But this time, Alex did something different. This time the man rolled close to Q and buried his nose in his hair, kissed the back of Q’s neck and proceeded to spoon him. It wasn’t unpleasant or fully unwanted, but it was wrong.

 

“I am not him,” Q breathed out, pushing Alex away. “I am no more your Danny than you are my James and we cannot give each other what we actually want. So do not pretend past the moment of ecstasy.” The words came out sounding harsher than he would have wanted them, but he had no doubt that it was for the best.

 

They cared for each other and if they had met in another world or if things had played out differently for the both of them, they probably would have been actual lovers. But in this present, they both were in love with someone else. Neither hid the fact that they pretended that their bed partner were those people, as sick and insane as that was, and they both called those respective names when they finally got their release. Continuing to do so after the deed was done would only hurt them more.

 

It was, by far, the unhealthiest and stupidest thing to do in a situation like this and they were both well aware of that as they were geniuses in their respective fields. And it wasn’t as if they just bumped into each other, decided that they were ‘close enough’ in looks to the ones they truly loved and just jumped into bed.

 

No; they weren’t stupid. They had sought professional help, they had done exactly what they had been told to do, but no matter how many new people they met and how much time they allowed to pass, they still felt empty, cold, and like pieces of their souls were missing. They felt like that when they were done having sex, even more sad than before and Q had actually cried himself to sleep after he had returned to his home, but he was willing to go through that because for a few moments, he felt _happy_ and _whole_.

 

Alex must have felt the same fake happiness and perhaps even for a longer time because Q had seen the way Danny looked – Q had been the one to help MI5 give the poor man the keys that led him to discovering Alex’s ‘body’ – and if it hadn’t been for the blood tests, he would still be sure he either had a twin or a clone walking around the world.

 

“I am painfully aware of that,” Alex whispered, rolling away from Q even more, but not out of the bed. “I thought it would make you feel better. Even though we are not actual lovers, I can tell tonight hurts you more than—”

 

“We both agree on not doing any form of pillow talk, Alex,” Q hissed, turning to glare daggers at the man, his sanity leaving for a moment because he could swear he was looking at the back of James’ head despite the fact that they looked nothing alike. “For that matter, why are you still doing here since we’re both done and our agreement was that neither would ever spend the night?”

 

Alex was silent for a minute, Q leaning over to poke him in case he had fallen asleep. “I’m awake,” Alex said suddenly, startling Q. “I was just thinking why I am still here.” He sighed and turned to look at Q, looking incredible sad. “I think it has something to do with the fact that today would have been our anniversary.” He chuckled sadly, brushing the hair out of Q’s eyes. “My Danny is an incredible romantic and I think I would have done everything in my power to make this night perfect for him.”

 

To his shame, Q felt jealous. The difference between them was that Danny had loved Alex back and the two had lived in what had to be heaven for a bit while James had been well aware of Q’s crush on him and had used that to get help when no one else would. It made Q feel cheap and worthless, obviously not good enough in James’ eyes to be even a friend.

 

“I wonder what he’s doing right now,” Alex whispered out, looking at the ceiling. “Is he crying in my mother’s arms? Is he with another man, lying to himself that he’s with me? Did he reach the painful conclusion that it is impossible for a single person to be your soul mate?”

 

“If he found someone and finally moved on, would you be happy?” Q asked carefully because of course he knew everything Danny was doing. He might have left the country, he might have stopped poking and probing, but MI6 was still afraid of him and of what he might find, so Q was ordered to constantly keep an eye on him.

 

Alex cringed. “I should be happy if that happened, but I’d be sad. Sadder than now, if that’s even possible. Does that make me a horrible person? He should move and I should be rooting for him to find someone better than I ever could be, but I want…” He trailed off, but Q knew what the man wanted.

 

And he was going to give it to him, even if it meant that he’d be robbed of those few moments of bliss in which he saw James look at him with love and adoration. “I am excellent at making people disappear, you know.” He sounded hollow and the way Alex suddenly tensed, his breath hitching, made it clear that he perceived Q’s words as a threat directed at Danny.

 

“If you—”

 

“I did that for James and his lover. I stepped on my heart as I offered them that ride into the sunset that so many from our world crave without knowing,” he clarified before Alex could start threatening him. “I could do the same for you. Kill him and your mother off as I have killed you and then give you all new lives.”

 

He hoped that Alex would turn him down, but of course the man didn’t. He sat up and pulled Q into a kiss, the first kiss they truly shared with each other and not the spectres of their pasts. And it felt so good to actually _be_ the one who was kissed, even though he did not feel pure love behind it. Or maybe he did, but he didn’t know it since he never got a loving kiss.

 

“Die with us,” Alex breathed out, covering his face in smaller kisses. “Die for MI6 and be with us. Danny will love you. Danny will worship you, we both will.”

 

It all sounded so tempting, so good, but Q could never agree to that. “You silly man; you still have so much to learn about how love works. My presence there would only make Danny hurt.” He carefully caressed Alex’s face. “Love him for me as well? Be loved in my place and be happy, okay?” His voice started to crack and his vision was suddenly blurry, getting out of the bed before Alex could wipe his unshed tears.

 

“You too deserved to be loved—”

 

“Mister Turner, you have officially overstayed your welcome in my house,” Q interrupted him, booting up his computer. “I am already tired and I have so much work to do.” He forced himself to throw the man a smile over his shoulder. “Killing a spy, mother and his lover who are both under the careful gazes of every agency in the world is not exactly the easiest thing to do.”

 

Alex walked over to him and pulled him into another tight hug, giving him one last kiss. “I will never forget you, Q. And if you ever wish to die…” He trailed off and started to get dressed, Q breaking down and crying the second his front door was shut.

 

He was alone again and maybe that was for the best. Not everyone could be happy, but some deserved it more than others. So what if he had to be left behind again? So what if he wanted to scream to the heavens about how unfair everything was? He was never going to stop others for being happy. He was never _ever_ going to let anyone suffer if there was something he could do for them. Even if everything he did would end with him, crying in alone in his apartment, and feeling utterly miserable, he would never hold back from doing it.

 

Because people deserved to be happy, even if he was not among those people.

**Author's Note:**

> Technically speaking, they were each other's fix and something did get fix in the end. Not everything, but it is something~
> 
> Kudos and comments are love <3


End file.
